Friday, 1 October 2010

Bad Dates PT 2 Dinner and a Sex Spa

This has to be the mother of all bad dates! When is it ever good to take a first date to a sex spa? I mean who knew these places even existed? sure as hell not me or am i just being naive?This is a long one people but the story goes......

His name is Rodney, another one i met while working. He stopped to talk to me as he was leaving the station, he asked for my number i thought why not, he wasn't Britain's next top model but i liked that he was tall, dark, and broad, plus he had a cheeky chappy vibe going on. we talked on the phone a couple of times and i found out that he worked in a school for troubled teens and in his spare time he sung in a band! So far so good i thought being as i love music and used to sing myself back in the day i thought we had a few things in common so we arranged to meet up.

We met up west and had dinner at my favourite Caribbean restaurant Mr Jerks ( i recommend you go there for the best stew chicken and rice and peas. Its located on Wardour Street off Oxford Street) Now i feel its important that i state i dressed very conservatively, i wore a top which was not showing an ounce of cleavage and i wore a long skirt i looked like a teacher, it wasn't your typical date wear! YES i dressed this way on purpose only because he made such a big deal about how sexy i looked in my uniform and that all i needed to do was wear some heels with it and i was ready for the club! lol he's got jokes! Anyway with that in mind we had a nice dinner we talked about music and family e.t.c.
I'm feeling like I'm having a good time and in my head I'm already contemplating a second date! Its about 8:30pm when he takes care of the bill, he asked me what i wanted to do next, i have no idea where to go so i say "i don't know what do you wanna do?" he then says that he likes to do different things, be spontaneous. I'm thinking that's cool with me i like different! he then says he knows a health spa in Tottenham Court Rd which do really good massages, he even went on to describe a massage he gets because he likes to box! Now getting a massage is not something i was in the mood to do so i was like "I don't know about a massage, sounds good but i don't really want one" i didn't wanna go to a loud bar because i didn't think loud music and noise was the best place to go to have a conversation so i asked if this "health" spa had a bar, he said yes then i suggested we go there as it would probably be a lot quieter.

We take some back streets and before you know it we're outside Tottenham Court Rd station, he stops and i say where are we going? He then pulls me into the station and says that he knows another spa we could go to that's better! (now maybe a normal person might have said HELL NO see you later but not this girl!) he refuses to tell me where we are going on the train until we get off and we are in Kentish Town. I've never been to this area before so i might as well be a tourist! we walk about 5mins from the station then he tells me to wait here he's just gonna take a look inside to see how busy it is. he walks off and i wait and i think to myself why did he leave me so far away from this spa to go check if its busy, to this day i don't even know what the outside of that spa looked like! He returns 5mins later and steers me back to the station, i ask whats wrong? he says its too full and he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable! i say "why would i feel uncomfortable?" he says nothing! (At this point I'm starting to feel irritable because i wore brand new shoes i bought that day and i didn't plan to do the walking i was doing, my feet were starting to talk!)

We get back to the station then he says he knows another place, i say where is this one? he says "Ilford" now i suggest that we forget about the spa and lets just go anywhere and just have a drink because its getting late and its turning into a mission! He's insistent that we go to Ilford and says that it wont take long to get to blah blah blah (now maybe a normal person might have said HELL NO see you later but not this girl!) We finally get to Ilford I'm getting tired now he says we'll take a cab, i say OK ( my feet were happy at this point!) we get this cab and after 10mins and we still haven't reached this "health" spa yet, i start to think to myself maybe this was not such a good idea, i don't even think we're in Ilford anymore!

The cab stops in what seems like the middle of nowhere and when i look out the window my heart sinks when i see this place which looks like a hut with no windows called 'Paradise Spa'. They buzz us in and I'm greeted by a blond lady in her 40's. He hands her some money and she hands him some locker keys and we go through! everything in this place is strange for a legitimate "health" spa, i don't see anyone, all i see is corridor then door! we walk into a locker room and i sit on the bench as he puts his stuff in one of the lockers! he starts taking off his top and i ask if he plans on getting a massage? he says "no", i say then why are you getting undressed he says "you can't go into the spa with your clothes on" and he points to a big stack of towels. i laugh nervously and say your joking! he says "no", i then start getting high pitched and say "I AM NOT TAKING MY CLOTHES OFF!", he says that its the rules otherwise we can't go in! i say then I'm not going in because there is no way I'm taking my clothes off! by now he is wrapped in a towel. i can't understand why i need to get undressed when all i wanted was a drink! He looks a little annoyed with me at this point and talks to me like I'm the one with the problem lol
He says he will go speak to the lady. When he comes back he says that she said its OK to keep my clothes on but i don't get full access of the spa! I'm thinking all i wanted was a drink anyway!

We go through another door that leads to a corridor then he stops outside another door, when he opens it my jaw hit the floor! The first thing i saw was the double bed then i noticed it was a themed room the tackiest jungle ever it even had plastic toy giraffe's stuck to the walls! Then i saw the sign on the wall above a bin which read "PLEASE THROW CONDOMS AFTER USE!"
The first thing i said was what the fuck is this! he then tried to say this was where they did massages! i then said "don't lie i saw the sign on the wall!" i think i was in shock that i fell into fits of laughter and all i could say was you said we were going to a health spa! he laughed at me (the cheek) and tried to make out that he explained where we were going! of course he was talking shit now and was realising his mis-judgement! He then suggested since we were here now why doesn't he give me a massage (now maybe a normal person might have said HELL NO see you later but not this girl!) i thought to myself what harm can it do, besides i was keeping my clothes on! as he straddled my back to get into the massage i felt something heavy thump on my back! "where's your underpants?" i shrieked he carried on massaging and evidently he was aroused he was grunting on my back so loud i asked " are you OK up there?" he replied "yes, your just so sexy, your like a magazine!" all i could think of was i know what guys do with magazines and i cut that massage short!

I was more than ready to go at this point, i don't know if it was because we were only in the room for a hot minute but the lady must have asked Rodney if there was a problem and he told her that i thought the place was some brothel type establishment! she then felt the need to take me on a mini tour showing me the TV room where the guys watch porn and the steam room and all the other tacky themed rooms all the while trying to convince me it was not what i thought! (crazy hoe!)
I was so happy when my arse was in that cab, happy because i had lived to tell the tale lol He payed for my cab home and asked me to call him when i got in, of course i said i would and the cab drove off into the night!
I learnt a valuable lesson that night! The lesson is there is no such thing as a "health" spa open for business after 9pm at night!

1 comment:

  1. Oh my! What a crazy adventure! Makes for really funny story though, I'm glad you lived to tell the tale, I'm actually laughing so hard right now. That guy had some nerve though, the swine!